Just Thinking Out Loud

Are we all heretics here? Are we throwing away our upbringing for a different variation of our religion here?

So much is going on. I see and hear of many people talk about what they want from their religion and how it varies from how they were brought up. Some are slight, while others are to an extreme. Some are just their point of views while others change their levush. Some are their thoughts, while others it is their actions. So many changes. So many people. What will happen to the world? Or better yet, the next generation?

There are many issues we do not agree with. We don’t have to agree with everything a friend says. We are entitled to our differences but at what point does one make the decision to distant themselves from a thought that is far beyond their comprehension? At what point does one take a step back and reevaluate the friendship?

Do we need to look at the issue on hand that perturbs us? Or do we need to look deep inside ourselves and see why it bothers us? Which one is it? Is it us? Or is it the issue in it of itself? Which one is easier to look into? Which one is easier to ignore?

I think it is easier to ignore ones self and blame others or other things or thoughts. Remember, we are perfect and therefore nothing can be wrong with us. It is always someone else, and never “me.” If that is the case, then anyone with a different point of view than your own is the one who is “different’ or has issues or is wrong. Whether or not reality is that you are the one who changed. Oh, I forget, the “I” never changes. It is always the “you” who changes. The “I” never has to look inside and see what is causing the actions or feelings or emotions. Those actions are always right. If someone else doesn’t have the same fervor at that time, there is usually an excuse given as to why not or to why the other person is different.

I have had numerous conversations with a variety of different people. The common ground they all had was rejecting part of their upbringing for something better. For something unlike what they had been brought up with. I feel the need to try and figure them out.

Granted there are many blogs on heretics and what have you, and no, I am not going to include those here. But besides those blogs where they write how they are throwing away their religions and practices and going for the “greener grass” I am not talking about that extreme. I am talking where we gripe about yeshiva. We went to yeshiva our entire life and we have issues with it now. Now that we are older. Now that we are out of it. Now that our kids are going into yeshiva, we have issues with them. We disagree with their culture. We are not ready to throw the whole thing away, but we want a voice. So, what choice do we have other than talking about it amongst friends.

What happens to these thoughts? Do they extend further into our religious beliefs and further and further to a point where we don’t know what to believe anymore? Or do we leave it at face value and accept certain things will not change and we just complain about it? Do we let it go further to the next step and the next without even realizing it until someone comes along and points out that your very thoughts are borderline and with more hatred than needed? Is it a problem inside or is just face value issues?

I am not sure why and when all this came about. Maybe I am just living in my own little corner and not knowing what is going on out there. Is it the secular world taking over or I am just living in the past thinking this never was an issue until now?

The same song and dance. Now we know about it. Now it is more publicized. It was always out there. Before you were, young, naïve, ignorant. It was kept quiet. No one talked about. Now you are older, knowledgeable, and smart and it is talked about openly. No one is holding anything back. It is all in the open. Everything is in the open. Nothing is sacred. I just have to fix my glasses and go back on living.

Don’t mind me…just thinking….

Blind

Some people are blind. They can’t see things clearly. Is it that they cannot see things, or is that they choose not to see things clearly and level headed? Why would do we do that to ourselves? Why do we choose to put a stumbling block in front of ourselves, knowingly and willingly? Why do we go out of our way to hurt ourselves just for a mere few moments of pleasure?

There are things we do because we just do not know what else to do. We ask for help, but in reality we do not want the help that is being offered. We do not want it because we do not like what is being said, although deep down we know that it is probably the right thing to do. We just don’t like it. We choose to look away and take the immediate pleasurable result as opposed to the other choices that have a discomfort for a while, but is probably the most thought out and worthwhile decisions. But because we cannot see into the future, we want happiness now. Even if it is only temporary. We want immediate results and not wait for things to happen. Everything needs to be instantaneously. We close our eyes to the future and pray that the outcome stays the fairytale lifestyle we think it will be. Sorry, the lifestyle we hope it to be. We hope. We wish. But reality is we burry what we know is ultimately the outcome. We don’t want to see or hear of the negative side of things. If it is good now, then this is what it should be. Who is to say that it will be bad? Just because you have moderate proof of things that doesn’t qualify as factual, concrete proof for now. Things will be different. Because we want them to be. Even if things point to it differently. We will ignore the obvious and say it is different. We are blind of the obvious, what others see as black and white, we are blind because we want to be blind about it. Because it doesn’t look good and we only want good. We need the good.

Do we actually think about things on our own and really think things through? Are we a pushover for a romance lifestyle? For the happily ever after story line that only exists in books and movies and never in real life. It doesn’t matter what the age is, it always comes down to the same thing. If it is bad we don’t like it. If it negative we don’t want to hear of it. If it is good or even if it is a good lie, we will accept it graciously because it is good. And happy. Don’t forget the happiness. It makes us happy when things are going well. Even if we know they are not well. We will cover things up and make excuses, because we want happiness and the situation is quasi so. We want to only look at the positive side of things and never at the side affects. Never at how bad things can happen if we don’t take off the rose colored glasses. It is not half full. It is not half empty. It is just a half a cup. It is half. Not whole. We kid ourselves to think that is really half of a full cup. We forget that it is also half of an empty cup. But, empty is negative and we don’t like to talk about that. We don’t like to discuss it. It makes us sad. It makes us mad. So let’s forget it. If we don’t talk about it, it doesn’t really exist. It is really half full. Full of ….

We like to think we know everything. We like to accept good thoughts and words and good deeds. Good suggestions and advice. Never do we want to assume the negative of things. Even if we know that the words are just that, words. We don’t care. We like the positive of it. We like the pretty things it entails. We forget what happens when we just forget the bad and go with the good. We lose our ability to judge correctly. We lose our ability to be keen and sharp and we fall. We fall hard and fast. We get hurt once again. This time it is a harder fall. A stronger crumble. A collapse. The wall breaks and crumbles down. Like Humpty Dumpty. Can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again. We tried. They tried. But it just can’t be done.

Mixed Feelings

I have mix feelings about going away for yom tov. I want to go away. I don’t want to have the hassle of cleaning up my home. I don’t want to figure out what to cook for all the days of yom tov and how to entertain everyone. I do want a break. I do want to relax as much as I can.

I don’t like living out of a suitcase for two weeks. I don’t like living in cramped quarters. I don’t like the kids to be off schedule. I don’t like the fact that it is not my home or my rules. I don’t like the way the others are mechaneich the kids and in turn how they deal with mine.

I don’t like that I can now eat gebruks but where I am they do not. I don’t like the fact that it is not my food. I don’t like location of where I am going. I do like to be with family for a short period of time. I don’t like being with everyone for so long. I don’t like that I don’t know what the weather is nor do I know what to pack. I am not sure if I even have enough to pack. I don’t like that if I do something that is correct it is frowned upon because they just do not know if it is right or not, and assume it is not. I don’t like when people pick and chose their halachos and if you don’t agree with them you are more modern. I don’t like that even if it is black and white, you still changed because it is different than the alte heim.

I don’t like that you never know the minhag from one year to the next. Each year you get more stringent than the next on some things, and lax on others. I don’t like that when you clean you do things just because my momma did it and you have been doing it for so long that you just don’t feel right not doing it. But things that must be done are not done as carefully. I don’t like thinking bad things on family.

I do like when everyone gets together. I do like talking to them. I do like the way everyone is more or less relaxed and the weather is nice so things can be moved outside. I do like that yom tov is not on Shabbos, therefore allowing us to carry. I do like the nice weather so the kids can go to the park. I don’t like that it is usually one adult who is dumped with all the kids.

I do like. I don’t like. Which is going “like” is going to win this yom tov? The do? Or the don’t?

Milk

I bought a bottle of milk the other day and as usual I checked the expiration date. What bothers me the most and I cannot seem to understand is why are there two expiration dates? If you live in New York or neighboring cities, have you noticed this as well? NYC gets an earlier expiration date. And I want to know why!

Do New Yorkers have a more delicate stomach and therefore cannot handle milk that is a few days older? Does it spoil faster in New York than in New Jersey? It’s on all my milk and not just the Cholov Yisroel ones. I don’t understand this dating system and would really like to get to know the ins and outs of this phenomenon. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I can understand expiration dates on items like milk and bread. But why are there expiration dates on bottled water? Does bottled water really go bad? Is it really going to turn sour if you use past the expiration date? Is it going to spoil? Does water really spoil?

Another thing while I am at it, does medicine expire? Why do we have expiration dates on everything? Is it possible to pick something up that won’t perish? Is there?

My peeve is still on the milk. It still annoys me after all this. Where can I find how the expiration dates work? Is there a way a mathematical equation? Or they just know when milk is going to turn bad and date it for that day to be the last day?

I Hate This...

I love Purim. I really do. I think it is fun and enjoyable for all. I love going around and giving out shaloch manos. I love to see other people's themes for shaloch manos. I love to see the costumes and take note about them. I like it all. I HATE the food that comes in the shaloch manos!

It is not the food or junk food issue. It is not whether or not I have use of it. It is more of a kashrus game that gets played. Let's go through the shaloch manos and take notes on who you have to start thinking about eating in their house again. This year, I got a shaloch manos from a very close friend with a questionable hechsher on a questionable item. I HATE that. I trusted eating there and I had no qualm about their hechsher. Until now. Now I am up a creek and don't know what to do about it.

Me being me, called her to ask her about her shaloch manos. I asked where the item was bought (Costco) and if she noticed it had a funny hechsher that most people do not use. She looked at the item and said "but it doesn't have grapes in it." Totally unaware that the hechsher was questionable. Which makes me wonder, what else shouldn't I be eating at the house? I told her that most people do not use that hechsher, and that the Hi-C juice box is NOT kosher, even though she thinks it can be because of what it has in it. I tried to reinforce my position with her, but I didn't want to step on her toes. I think that people who get it from her will also wonder why they are getting it, unless it is only me who checks the hechsher of all foods that come into the house, no matter from who! So here I am with this dilemma. What am I to do?

I remember the last time I was at her house. She made oatmeal cookies and was offering them to me. Her husband was eating one, and then the light bulb went off over his head. He went to look at the oatmeal container and noticed that the oatmeal used was in a box that said OU-D. No more offering us cookies anymore. She said that the one she used was pareve, because if you would buy the unflavored ones, it was OU. The bulk ones that had the variety of flavors in it was marked OU-D. He told her nope. It is still OU-D. Do not serve it. I guess that should have been a warning for me.

Now what do I do? Do I refuse to eat there? Do I assume that it was a mistake and that everything else in the house is up to my standard of kashrus? Or do I stop eating there (not that it is frequent) all together and hope that the next invite will not be forth coming? But then you have the issues with kids. Do you trust when the kids go there? Oh, I have no idea what I can do. Oh. Oh. Oh. I hate this...Why oh why do we give out shaloch manos???

What?!

I met a friend of mine in shul this past Shabbos. As we were talking about houses, aren't we all looking for a house to buy? the topic of which realtor was brought. I mentioned a few that I hear and tried to push one over the other. I was curious to know why this one realtor was not in the choice, so I asked in a nice way, saying "why not use X, I hear X has a lot of listings that are exclusive" this means that you can only look at the house with X so why not? The response I got was shocking. "Oh, I don't want to use X. X helped us with our apartment, very nice very good but too aggressive for me. I want to be able to think about my major purchase and not give an answer right away, as X expects. X is too pushy..." I got the drift. I agreed. I didn't like X either.

X has the loud mouth personality. X is always calling, always nagging. X would show you a house and tell you it is perfect for you without knowing who you are. X would show the house and suggest additions, and changes and remodeling like it was nothing. I mean, aren't you just buying a house that is a lot of money? That is just in your budget, but to X it doesn't matter. X will offer unsolicited advice that no one really wants. X is great for the seller. To the buyer X is annoying, but has the most houses as X is great for the seller. What do you do? I feel that X is full of it and is letting the quick fame go to the head and it shows.

My friend went on to explain that when looking at the house X asked if they were interested in it. Otherwise there were others who wanted to put an offer on the house. X didn't give time to think, just look and sign. Once you sign with X, X is not around for you. But before you sign, X will be your best friend. Once the commission belongs to X, X will go onto the next victim. X has a reputation, for better and for worse.

Oh well. There are lots of X's out there. Some will win. Some will lose.

Life Sucks...or does it

Came to the conclusion that life sucks. All life sucks. No one lives in the perfect world. Everyone has issues. Everyone has things going on in their life that they hate and it bothers them so much yet there isn't anything they can do about it except cry. Of course you have the saying "If you take everyone's troubles and put them together, you would pick out your own" Silly people. Of course you would pick your own troubles, why would you want someone else's? Why would you want someone else's life which is not any better than yours?

Have you read the Yated lately? Have you read the ads for collecting? Have you gotten your fair share of tzedaka letters begging you for money? Each one has their own heart wrenching story about some horrible life story that you cannot believe is true. Of course it is true, but with each letter you open, with each ad you read, it is worse and worse. Almost like they are trying to out do one another, and see who has the most heart wrenching tear jerking letter/ad and which will make the person write a bigger check.

But on personal level, life is really hard. It is not easy. They did not teach me about this in school. They did not tell me what real life is all about. That this is really what happens to our parents. That this is the way of life and what you have is what you need to work on. I was sheltered growing up. Always thought that this would never happen to me. That was never going to happen. I knew better, I was so naive. I grew up quickly. I met lots of people and I feel their pain. Some I can understand, some, I just listen and hope I am saying the right things. Again, I do not want their problems.

I cry at night thinking of what is going on with my friends. I get depressed when I feel helpless about what is going on and there is nothing for me to do. I feel their pain. I wish I can make everything all better, yet, there is not much that can be done except cry with them. Crying does not help. But it does heal the heart. I have friends going through all sorts of things. I cry for those who chose things based on their emotional feelings and too young to see ahead, too young to see beyond plain emotions. They are blinded by emotions and can't see past that. I fear for the time when the emotions and the love that is there will die down and what they are left is what I have seen today. I hope that day never comes.

I cry for the friend who is hurting inside. Who has no one to talk to because each one of us is unique. I try to understand and figure out if there was clues or what is the best solution for the problem, but I am not in that situation, so I cannot know. I fear that the love is still blinding and one day it too will simmer down and then there will be bigger issues. I fear that this friend is naive and doesn't see it, or worse, doesn't want to see it. Doesn't want to face reality just yet and wants to live and love miserably, and hopes to survive.

I cry for the friend who wants and desires but cannot seem to have. It is beyond their reach for now. They strive they try they feel the pain. They cry themselves. They get hurt. They yearn. They love, they try and try and try. They do not want to give up but sometimes they need a break. Even though they do not want a break.

I cry for the ones who are confused in life and do not know what to do. I try to understand what is confusing them and try to explain to them why it is not confusion but the confusion is within and therefore it is harder to explain or for me to grasp. I feel that they are lost and roaming in one part of their life and therefore they take it out in another part.

But is life really that bad? Is it true that no one is happy? That life is crappy and lousy and that we just need to accept it?

Can't we take a step back from our life and look at the over view and focus on the positive side of it? Health? Family? Parnasah? Smart? Etc etc etc. Can't we forget the negative side that makes us depressed and focus on the good things. Try to find positive things in your life and say that is why we are here. That is why life does not suck. NO!! It is NOT true. Not everyone's life is lousy! Not everyone feels that their life is horrible. Not everyone feels that there is no purpose and that there is only bad out there.

I am sure that if time was taken, each and every one of us can come up with positive things in our life. We can figure out that life is not really that bad and that yes there are things in our life that just makes it more complicated. We need to stop looking at others and work with what we have. We have our own good and bad. Make a list of the good things. Post it on the fridge, or keep a copy near your computer or wherever you are most often and focus on what is really important. Try to fix the sad issues. Try to fix the issues that complicated, but reality is you must focus on the good and positive side as well. Don't neglect the good for the bad stuff. Everything has good and bad. The opposite of good is bad. If things cannot be fixed, then work on how to make it better or more comfortable or eliminate it.

Remember, life does not suck! Life is good and happy!

I am starting to notice things about what we do more and more and it doesn't sit well with me. There are a lot of things that we do, that just simply put, are wrong, and we should correct them. We are not better people, but we really should be better. We think we are, but our actions say differently!

I am driving around town and I notice the car flying by the stop sign, and halfway into the intersection when he needs to stop. I slow down even though I do have the right of way, but I don't want to get hit by the driver who feels that he has the right of way and is in control of things. I drive by the car and I notice his black Yarmulka on his head and I feel disgust.

The sign says no turns on red, but the driver decides that he is too much of a rush and passes me on my left and then turns right after coming to a rolling stop. I looked up and noticed the Tefilas Haderech hanging from his mirror.

I am waiting to pull out of a parking spot, but can't because a car had just pulled up right in front of me and instead of going an extra car space, decided it was okay for him to double park and block other drivers from leaving the driveway. I already knew there would be a yarmulka there.

The car that sped down the small street and blew a stop sign was on the phone wearing a yarmulka.

The driver that pulled out of the driveway and decided her only priority was to make sure she wasn't going to get hit looked only one way while she sped up out of the stores driveway and to make a turn...Yes I noticed the snood as I jumped out of her way before I got hit. Apparently she was making sure that she wouldn't get hit and not concerned whom she hit.

We are not better. We should be. Laws are there to protect us and for us to obey. You can't complain about the person who broke the law and nothing is being done, when in reality YOU also break the law but don't want anything done to you! It works both ways! You can't have the police working to protect you from others and when one of you commit a crime, they should look the other way!

What happens if the next accident is a friend of yours? What happens when it is TWO of you who are involved in an accident, do you want everything to be looked away? Do you want the man who skips the traffic light to continue doing so without a penalty? Do you want the person who double parked his car so the ambulance couldn't get out to continue to do so? When it comes to directly affect you, then oh then is it different? Why? Are you going to change? Are you not going to allow your van full of young kids to continue to bop around the car without a seat belt, but comment on how the goy over there has so many people in his car that it is illegal? But you forget the day you double buckled to save your friend the trip. You forget when it applies to your life that you are different and the world revolves around what you want.

Wake up. It doesn't. There are rules and regulations. There are laws. We must apply, even you as you associate yourself in the we factor. Obey the laws and then only then when you practice can you criticize the next. So the next time you are complaining about the driver...Make sure to double check and take note, how many of your issues are really towards the hat/snood/yarmulka/beard/shaitel person and how many are towards the driver that is not amongst us.

what if...

Did you ever think about your past and wonder what would have happened if...and started to go down memory lane. What would have happened if you went to a different high school. What if...what if..what if things were different. What if you were brought up differently? What if you acted upon an instinct instead of doing what you did? What if? What if? What if?

Life is full of what ifs. Everything we do has a consequence. We can chose one way or another. We can contemplate which one we want to do. We can think we know the outcome, but we really do cannot fathom the end result. We think that if we do a, b and c, then d, e and f will follow. But did you count on X happening and then Y and then W comes along. Yup, it can get confusing. You forget the order of where you want to go, and sometimes you need to go backwards in life, take a few steps back and then go a different route forward. But we didn't plan that. We originally wanted a straight line to the end result, whatever the result is in the current situation.

Most of us have dated in life before we met the one we married. Or, currently still dating. What happened if you decided that the first person you met was to be the one you married? Would your life be different? What happened if you chose a different college or yeshiva to go to? What happened if you decided to get married right out of high school instead of going to seminary or bais medrash? How would your life be if you never watched that movie? If you never heard of internet till you were much older? You never read that book. Or met that person. What if. What if. What if.

If you had the choice (which we all know is impossible, but humor me) to go back in time. What would you do differently? What would you change? What would you do, knowing what you know now, differently? You lived life for x amount of years, go back five years, what would you change? Do you think that if you can go back an infinite amount of years things would be better now? Things would be different? You would have done things differently? Yes? No?

Is it okay to regret the past? Is it okay to not regret the past? Can we just say, the past is the past and just learn from it? Whey regret something? Is it possible not to regret and just learn from it? Do we always need to incorporate the past with our present life? Why do we always bring up the past when we talk? It is much harder to talk about the present, as there really isn't a present, and can't predict the future, so we talk about what we do know, and what can't change. Something that happened already.

"It Must not Have Been Important if you Forgot"

I don't get that saying.

Of course if I have meant to say it and thought about it, why is not important? Just because I forgot? Did you ever think that maybe it can be a case of early symptoms of alzheimer? Can it be? Why say something like that? Are you insinuation that what I say is not important? I can be highly offended. Don't offend friends.

Multi-tasking all day and having so much going on up there, tends to make people forget some things. At that moment, the moment of truth, it slips away, only to come back too late. It has happened to you and to you too. You probably don't want to remember the situation. But oh well.

So next time you are on the phone with a friend, don't say "it wasn't important if you forgot" because to your friend it might be important!